Live life like you're a Fresher: this is my quarter life crisis

 

My Freshers experience was far from 'typical'. Picture a typical Freshers week and then picture the opposite. Whilst most people in the Halls were heading to their fifth night out in a row, I was having cozy film nights in, enjoying a singular bottle of cider, or two if I felt daring... basically, Freshers in its typical form, wasn't for me. And also, the Huddersfield club scene is pretty poor, and I didn't fancy spending my money on Tokes/Camel (if you know, you know). But Freshers also wasn't for me because, at that time, I had nowhere near the amount of confidence I have now - both in general and in myself. 

Anywaaay, my final year of university, at the ripe old age of 20/21, I felt ready to be a Fresher. Armed with confidence, and anxiety that I would be missing out on things and leaving with regrets, I threw myself into Fresher life. I joined the magazine society as a contributor, and then later a sub-editor (which meant guestlist for gigs which was AMAZE) I took part in taster sessions with the rock climbing society (genuinely one of the best and most terrifying days of my life in the Peak District), and the trampolining society. I went out to the pubs with my friends, joined the local park runs, went to self-defense classes, joined quiz nights, even went to Camel for a night!! Got home at 3am, woke up at 7am for a 9am lecture (that screaaams Fresher doesn't it?). Essentially, I let myself enjoy my life and I tried different things and met new people, made new friends, and had the absolute best (and worst cos dissertation) year of my life. 

This year, post-lockdown and easing of restrictions, I decided to have a Freshers 2.0. I realised I had lost touch with myself and no longer felt like I was really living (of course, the pandemic and multiple lockdowns has very much had an influence on that)... I felt life becoming a bit too predictable and routine-y for my liking and realised it had been a while since I had jumped out of my comfort zone to try something new. And I was at risk of 'living to work' and not 'working to live'. I'm 25 almost 26 so maybe this is actually what they call a 'quarter life crisis'. In fact, thinking about it, it definitely is a quarter life crisis isn't it. But what that means for me is grabbing every opportunity I am presented with that will either allow me to a) meet someone new, b) try something new, c) learn something new (about life and myself). I am channeling those Fresher vibes - when everything is so exciting and new and shiny and you're ready to make the next three years the best three years. So in recent times, I've been to a Krav Maga class (with actual scars to show for it), going to gigs, meeting up with friends during the week (what a concept), actually going on dates again, getting back into a fitness routine, going for spontaneous massages (wouldn't have had the £ for that in uni tho), saying yes to plans, finding new things to try (next on the list: pottery classes and some kind of music lesson), trying and failing to learn a language, trying to boost my skills (and not just ones that will look good on my CV), and just using the time to get to know myself a little more.  

Who is to say that we can't be Fresher's every year of our lives? 

Your 20's don't have to be your "20's"

The other day, I watched Connor Franta's (quite possibly my favourite Youtuber) newest video titled, "it's not you, it's your 20's" and it got me thinking about an old blog post I wrote for my long-gone personal blog in 2018: Your 20's don't have to be your "20's". I wrote it at 22. I'm now halfway through my 20's but I still firmly stand behind my message... so I wanted to re-share here what I wrote back then (see the *'s for new additions from 25 year old me). Enjoy! 

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There are so many articles out there titled things similar to:

"Don't mess your 20's up: tips to get the most out of your 20's"
"Here are 20 things to do in your 20's"
"Life lessons every twenty-something should learn"

There is so much emphasis on your 20's being the best years of your life; the years you shape yourself into who you want to be, have the best 'carefree experiences. You're pretty much sold the belief that your 20's are gonna be these exciting years of being an adult - but not really - the years where you're gonna fall in love, you're gonna find out what your passion is in life. We grow up, ultimately moulding these beliefs for our lives, taking in the things we read, the things we watch, the people we watch and the people we listen to and we cast our vision into the future with a step-by-step blueprint of what we can expect to happen next. But what if you don't want to live your 20's the way you're expected to? Or what if they were just sugar-coating all along?

I'm not saying expectations are a bad thing, so long as you don't cling to them like they're absolute truths of what's gonna happen in your life, you're fine. Coming from university, I knew what was already expected of me. Graduate, get a 'proper job', save up for a mortgage, buy a house, finally become an 'adult'. And yeah, I've only just recently graduated (but managed to hide away from the real world by doing my masters, so I have another year in the comfort of academia, phew) but I am nowhere even close to achieving any of those things, and I'm not gonna lie, I wouldn't even know where to start with getting a mortgage, I'm not even 100% sure what it is! But the thing is, we all go through life at different paces, we all have different goals in mind. What I enjoy doing as a twenty-two-year-old might be someone else's idea of hell, and that's okay, I've totally grown into the idea of me being a twenty-two-year-old Grandma. Because there's no pressure!! Those articles and what everyone else is doing shouldn't make you question the path you're on. You shouldn't ever feel disappointed with the way your life is panning out if you had your hopes set on someone else's plan for their twenties or a 30-something's hindsight view. It's so easy to get caught up on what you're 'supposed' to do, you can leave barely any time to do what you want to do, or you enjoy doing.

These are the years where you're going to find yourself, that bit is true. And these are the years where you're gonna struggle, you're gonna get setbacks and you're gonna fail and you're gonna think wow what the eff am I supposed to do next? But, you've gotta figure it all out on your own, that's the beauty of it. You will feel as though you're in competition with every other twenty-something person on the planet, because I know I definitely sometimes do. But I guess in the end, the only person we're competing against is ourselves, the 'old' us, the unmotivated us. Everything will definitely sort itself out, you won't be in this limbo forever. Enjoy your 20's because before you know it, we'll all be in our 30's and well and truly in the real world (and hopefully, by then, I've learnt what a mortgage is).

** 2021/25-year old Rebecca: so firstly, I know a littleee more about mortgages, but they still scare me and it's still very much a future thing, so I'm not spending much time thinking about it. Also, the pressures and expectations of graduating did hit me in the face... and I've often found myself drowning in thoughts of where I expected myself to be at 25 or batting away other people's expectations of me as a graduate. And I'm not going to lie, it's a struggle. And in all honestly, I have no idea what I am doing, where I am going, who I will be in a year, five years, ten years time, because who does?! But I do know that I am trying my hardest to live my life for me, to make decisions that please me, to just do me. 

Surviving your first few weeks of a new job

Helloooo, after my announcement I'd be picking this up and committing to regular posts, I seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth. It's been a busy (if I could double underline that, I would) few months. It started with me leaving my job (I worked at a university) in June to return to the job I had had before I started at the university... alongside this, I picked up regular hours at a coffee shop and picked up a temp three-week contract for a summer school role. Anyway, a few weeks into my 'new/old' job, I saw a vacancy for an assistant educational psychologist (AsEP) role with a local educational psychology service. I had spent a year applying for AsEP roles and had been continually rejected, so when I decided to apply for this one, I expected no different. Long story short, I was offered an interview which then turned into an offer of employment - so after only being back into my new/old job for just over a month, I was handing my notice in. So, as you can expect, my head has been a little MUSHY. 

I am a few weeks into my new role, and naturally, the ground is still feeling unsettled beneath me. With any new job, I think you can expect to feel all in a tizz for a good few months. I'm going to get a bit psychological here now. When I researched transitions as part of my postgrad research, I delved into the work of a guy called Bridges*, who claimed that a transition is quite a slow process with multiple stages. And people can get 'stuck' in these stages, making the transition period longer. The first stage: Ending, Losing, and Letting Go. Keeping in mind a new job, that ending involves losing a familiar role, routine, and colleagues. It means letting go of a current way of doing or being. And whilst you may not have even liked the job you're leaving, there will still be this element of you losing various parts of your identity that's been shaped by the role. You might start to feel uncertain, scared, disorientated etc.,. 

In this pre-new job stage, it's natural to feel apprehensive about your move. It's in this time - where you're at your ending and about to take on this new chapter - that I look to take stock of what is going to get me through these next few weeks/months. For me, it meant taking a piece of paper and writing down everything I know works to keep me feeling happy and healthy. Transitions throw everything up in the air and everything can feel out of control. If you can identify what you can do to take back a bit of control, and promote your happiness/wellbeing, brilliant. Some examples of what's on my list: getting a substantial amount of sleep every night, having at least one nice after-work plan in my diary, eating a healthy and filling breakfast, and drinking enough water. Of course, it's not always going to go to plan, but having that list available, when you're feeling like you don't know whether you're coming or going, you can see what might help to ground you a little and give you a nice boost.

The next stage is The Neutral Zone, where I'd currently place myself. In here is a whole lot of uncertainty, confusion, and impatience. It's where you're on the bridge across the water. The side you're walking towards (the new job) is a bit foggy, making you apprehensive to cross because you're worried about what might be out there... but the side you left (old job) is blue skies, not a cloud of uncertainty/confusion in the sky. Most of us leave jobs for a reason, but in my experience, that doesn't stop the briefest of 'what have I done?' thoughts, when you're walking into this foggy uncertainty before you. But what's good to remember is, yes, it might be foggy and uncertain (stick with the metaphor for just a littleeee longer) but as you get in there, you realise you have the torch (skills, knowledge, and experience) to see what you're doing and where you're going. And the longer you walk through, the easier the fog clears. You wouldn't have been offered the position if you weren't thought of as capable! And I know imposter syndrome is very real, believe me, but this is such an exciting time to learn new things and to challenge yourself. You might feel in a rush to get out of this stage, and you will want to rush to 6 months' time when you know everything like the back of your hand. But sit with it. Work through it, don't rush yourself. 

The final stage: The New Beginning. I mean, it does what it says on the tin, really. This is when you're waking up, months into the role, and you realise you've bloody done it! You're feeling settled, you've got your new routine... You're not having to ask a hundred questions a day (you now ask 99), you know how to mute/unmute and share your screen, you know which cup to avoid in the kitchen... and you're owning it! 

A new job, no matter how excited you are will bring with it some scaries and some anxieties. And that is perfectly natural. It doesn't matter whether you feel settled in a week, month, year. Just take your time. No question is stupid, no one is any better than you (despite what your brain might tell you), and you're more than capable/qualified (or they wouldn't have hired you!) even on the days you feel you're not. And hey, if there are areas you're not feeling skilled in or certain of, ask for some training! 

Each transition, be it from university to the 'real world' or from one job to another, is best managed with: lots of patience for yourself, lots of caffeine, your best coping strategies, lots of kindness for yourself, someone to talk to, a healthy amount of (healthy) distractions, I'm talking Netflix binges, plans with friends, walks etc.,. And lots of trust in yourself! 

*More on Bridges: http://changemanagementinsight.com/bridges-transition-model/

Readjusting to life in the office

I started a new role in February of 2020, completely oblivious as to what was about to come… I got busy setting up my desk - succulents and all - met my new colleagues, started familiarising myself with the role, and four weeks later, I’m unfolding my little table to sit in the middle of my living room. I don’t think any of us expected that fifteen months later, we would still be in the middle of what we were told would be gone in three weeks! I remember my first day of working from home, creating a ‘WFH’ playlist on Spotify, including the obvious song choice, ‘Work from Home’ by Fifth Harmony, thinking wooo couple of weeks of this won’t be so bad. I looooved working from home for so many reasons; I no longer had to make an hour plus commute to and from work, I didn’t have to sit on a crowded bus, getting stuck in rush hour traffic, I could wake up, roll out of bed, make a cup of coffee, contemplate changing out of my pyjamas, and sign-in. I got into a nice comfy routine, and that was my norm from March - November, when we briefly returned to the office, before a second national lockdown was announced in November. And then again in January of 2021, I returned to the office for a day (!!) before being sent back home for the third national lockdown. 

At the start of this month, I changed jobs. And a change of jobs meant a change of environment; I went straight from the comfort of my own home, to working 5 days a week in a workplace. Now, I’m sure I’m not alone when I say that my coping mechanisms for the last 15 months have been 1) avoidance and 2) distraction. I have avoided (where I can) reading the news, or watching the news. I've tried dodging conversations, I’ve distracted myself with unhealthy amounts of TikTok scrolling and Netflix binging… and so when it came to me having to make this transition to a new way of working (which had become unfamiliar to me), avoidance and distraction seemed appealing. Avoiding the workplace was not something I could do, so distraction it was! Now I need to point out, I also have a Saturday job (which is in a coffee shop) so I fully threw myself into it, all or nothing… 6-day week, no space in between leaving my old job and starting my new job… Since being in my new role, I have had some kind of plan scheduled into my diary after work.. or I’ve come home and gotten busy, through cooking or reading or exercising. And I’ve given myself NO time to think. And that is NOT good. 

Because I’ll be honest, I’ve been scared to give myself time to think. As I’m sure we’ve all felt - if we start to really process what we’ve been through, goodness me, we’d need a collective worldwide therapy session… I would be a mess, and I just don’t have that time (more like, I know I should make that time to process, but I like it being in a little box for now). Correct as I write this, I’m currently back working from home for a period of time - having to isolate due to close contact, and only one day into it, and I’m panicking because I’ve had time to think. 

I hadn’t realised the extent to which working from home (though I wasn’t alone, I had my mum) had isolated me. My first day in the workplace, I felt completely and totally overwhelmed with the prospect of having to speak to people - could I even form a sentence anymore? I hadn’t met someone new in so long, and now I was meeting a whole new team. I had gotten so used to making my cup of coffee in the morning, getting my desk set up and putting in my earphones, speaking to mum (who has worked like an absolute trooper and put in so many hours in her role for the NHS) only when we went out for our daily lunchtime walks. So for the first few days of being in work, I sat at my desk, headphones in, drinking my coffee, getting on with my work, and finding it difficult to get involved with the conversations that were happening around me. And I knew I was isolating myself, and it wasn’t helping me bond with my new team, but I just couldn’t fathom how to involve myself in ‘work bants’... how saddd is that, work bants is the best part of work! Anyway, after a few days of trying not to pressure myself, I started to ‘come out of my ‘shell’ a bit more, and got involved, and made an effort, and I didn’t expect it to be as hard as it was, but it’s just something I accepted - even though at one time, socialising was no issue for me. So my first tip to readjusting to life in the office, even if you know who you’re working with and you’re not meeting your colleagues for the first time, don’t berate yourself if you’re struggling to get back into the swing of conversation again, and similarly, don’t berate yourself if all you can manage is small talk about Covid or the weather… if all you can manage is a ‘hello’ then fair play!

Another difficulty - commuting! Having to wake up with enough time to eat, shower, dress (ugh), and drive to work… that has been HARD. And every night I’ve gone to bed with the intention of getting up as soon as my alarm goes off and every morning I’ve woken up and snoozed my alarm. Thankfully, despite snoozing, I’ve managed to get to work on time… but I’ve really felt the loss of my usual slow morning. And I’m now trying to establish a new morning routine, because that was my favourite part of working from home, having the time in the morning to just lie in bed and read my book before logging in. So this is a tip in working progress - start to experiment with routines. For me, that means making my lunches the night before - or cooking a meal which will give me some leftovers. It means waking up with enough time to make a coffee and sit in my bed with my book, with the intention to ease myself into waking up earlier at *some point* to allow for some morning exercise (who am I kidding with this?) or a bit of yoga. Don’t expect your routine to fall into place straight away, all that you need to make sure you do is wake up with enough time to dress (out of your pyjamas) and set off with enough time to get to work (ON TIME). 

One thing I’ve struggled with, is getting home and only having five hours or so to myself… but what I’ve come to realise/remind myself is, it’s not so much about how much time I have to myself, it’s more what I choose to do with the time I have. Because I am now working 6-day weeks (for as long as I feel I can sustain it), my time in the evenings, and my Sunday is time for me to do what makes me happy. Plan yourself nice little things to do when you get back home - your home is no longer your workplace, and that has some benefits. No more hearing the phantom ‘ping’ of teams when you’re trying to relax on a Friday eve. 

But my biggest tip of all is to be kind to yourself, and transition back with patience - for yourself, for your team… just take each day as it comes, and make yourself a 'Working from Office' playlist to keep you motivated! 

Volunteering - the skills I've gained, and what it's taught me

 

There are countless benefits to volunteering in your spare time. From an employability perspective, you develop crucial skills, gain experience that can enhance your CV and show employers you’re a well rounded individual. From a personal point of view, you are able to meet so many people from different walks of life, you can gain a sense of purpose and pride, it allows you the opportunity to support a cause you care about, and you give your time to support your local community. 

I have always looked favourably on volunteering, and it’s something I’ve tried to do since my days as a student in university. In 2015, I had firmly settled into my second year and I began volunteering as an online sales assistant with Oxfam, and a Rainbow leader with the local Rainbow’s group. At that time, I had no clue what I wanted to do career wise, and so I wasn’t volunteering with an aim of enhancing my CV, rather to find a meaningful way to fill my spare time. It’s not until now, six years later, I’ve seen that I can take things out of my time as a Rainbow’s leader to support my professional development. With an aim of pursuing a career within educational psychology, I am able to look back on my experience volunteering with Rainbow’s to pick out relevant skills and knowledge I gained, from working with children on a 1-1 and group basis, to communicating with parents and carrying out safeguarding procedures. And not only that, balancing my volunteering with my university work (and my part-time employment) enhanced my time-management and prioritisation skills. 

When the pandemic hit, and I was sent to work from home, I gained the time that I would have been commuting. With on-off restrictions, my social life (obviously) took a nosedive, so I was left with a whole lotta time on my hands that I could only fill with so much Netflix before I was itching for something more… Speaking to a colleague, I was made aware that a lot of companies were looking for online volunteers, and after some digging, I found a youth organisation who were looking for volunteer mentors/wellbeing champions. The organisation works to support young people aged 8-18 and their families, promoting wellbeing and focusing on early intervention. I applied for the role and after being interviewed and accepted, I looked forward to having something in my diary each Friday after work. In my time I have been volunteering with them, I have developed skills in presenting (sessions for the children and also a wellbeing webinar for parents), mentoring, improved my communication skills, gained experience supporting parents and families, and built some positive relationships with these young people to develop their skills and character. All of this adds to my relevant experience to help me on my way to becoming an ed psych, but most of all it’s been incredibly rewarding and I’ve loved it. 

Flexible and remote working opened a lot of doors, and I was able to balance my day-to-day to allow me to help out in my local community. I’ve been volunteering my evenings and weekends at the local vaccination clinics, which, it goes without saying, has been the best way to spend my time. The buzz that I’ve gotten from volunteering alongside other amazing volunteers and the nurses and doctors who have worked tirelessly throughout the pandemic has been unmatched. I’ve been close to tears each time - overwhelmed by the pure hope and joy that comes from seeing each vaccine given, bringing us one step closer to a post-covid world. Not only have I been part of what will become a HUGE and incredible moment in history, but I have developed and improved on so many skills, in communication, organisation and teamwork. 

I’ve also had the opportunity this year to support my local Foodbank, helping to pack up food parcels a couple of hours in the week for those who come in to use the service. Again, I’ve had the chance to volunteer alongside some wonderful people, including a man from Syria who came to the UK around 6 months ago; he now volunteers at the Foodbank after using the services only months ago himself. 

I've now begun a new role, and this has meant transitioning back to commuting/working in the office 5 days a week. My volunteering commitments have had to change, and am now only able to volunteer my Friday evenings and some weekends. But I will be forever grateful of the opportunities I've had this past year. 

What skills can you expect to gain from volunteering? 

Communication skills - particularly the skills to be adaptive in your communication depending on who you are talking to… I’ve had to develop my skills to allow me to communicate effectively with young people, people with English as a second language, those hard of hearing etc.,. 

Team working - Volunteering at 3 places at once alongside my full-time role, I had to quickly adapt to working in different teams of different sizes, each team I work in having a different role and aims. 

Prioritisation skills - Balancing my volunteering with flexible working, I’ve had to ensure that my responsibilities in work are not negatively impacted by my volunteering. This means managing my time and calendar to be able to meet my priorities in work and any other commitments or goals outside of work. 

Empathy - You may find yourself volunteering to support those less fortunate than yourself. Having the skills to volunteer with empathy means understanding and appreciating the difficulties that individuals can face and being able to relate well with people. 

Personal improvements including raising confidence and self-esteem - I’ve really increased my confidence this last year, doing things I never thought I’d be able to do (delivering a webinar for parents; supporting the vaccine rollout) and it’s given me a real boost in my self-esteem, knowing that I am making a difference, no matter how big or small. 

What can you learn from volunteering? 

Your skills and passions - as discussed, volunteering can help you develop many existing skills and help you learn new ones. These skills can help you progress personally and professionally, and can allow you to realise your passions. 

Where you want to go in your career -  I like to think that I am pretty set on my career goals now, but I’d be lying if I didn’t think, ‘ooo, I’d quite like to be a nurse’ after a shift at the vaccine centre. You just don’t know who you’ll meet or what you will learn about yourself, especially what you’re capable of or what you’re wanting to achieve. Keep open and flexible, and see where it takes you. 

Hidden talents - Never in a million years would I have thought I’d be able to deliver a webinar for parents on wellbeing, but I managed to bring all my skills and confidence gained to the table to give it my all, and I was sooo proud of myself. 

How to make a difference and improve the lives of others - For me, the best and most rewarding thing about volunteering is being able to make a difference. The CV booster is a nice plus, but it’s never been my main drive in volunteering. Especially after the year we have had, any way I can give my time to support our move to a post-covid world, and to support those who have been adversely affected by the pandemic, I will be willing to help. 

If you find yourself with spare time on your hands, explore what's available in your local community - whether face-to-face or online. You just don't know what you can learn about yourself or what doors it can open!

Read more on how volunteering can help you get a job in Lizzie Thomson’s Metro piece.