Your 20's don't have to be your "20's"

The other day, I watched Connor Franta's (quite possibly my favourite Youtuber) newest video titled, "it's not you, it's your 20's" and it got me thinking about an old blog post I wrote for my long-gone personal blog in 2018: Your 20's don't have to be your "20's". I wrote it at 22. I'm now halfway through my 20's but I still firmly stand behind my message... so I wanted to re-share here what I wrote back then (see the *'s for new additions from 25 year old me). Enjoy! 

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There are so many articles out there titled things similar to:

"Don't mess your 20's up: tips to get the most out of your 20's"
"Here are 20 things to do in your 20's"
"Life lessons every twenty-something should learn"

There is so much emphasis on your 20's being the best years of your life; the years you shape yourself into who you want to be, have the best 'carefree experiences. You're pretty much sold the belief that your 20's are gonna be these exciting years of being an adult - but not really - the years where you're gonna fall in love, you're gonna find out what your passion is in life. We grow up, ultimately moulding these beliefs for our lives, taking in the things we read, the things we watch, the people we watch and the people we listen to and we cast our vision into the future with a step-by-step blueprint of what we can expect to happen next. But what if you don't want to live your 20's the way you're expected to? Or what if they were just sugar-coating all along?

I'm not saying expectations are a bad thing, so long as you don't cling to them like they're absolute truths of what's gonna happen in your life, you're fine. Coming from university, I knew what was already expected of me. Graduate, get a 'proper job', save up for a mortgage, buy a house, finally become an 'adult'. And yeah, I've only just recently graduated (but managed to hide away from the real world by doing my masters, so I have another year in the comfort of academia, phew) but I am nowhere even close to achieving any of those things, and I'm not gonna lie, I wouldn't even know where to start with getting a mortgage, I'm not even 100% sure what it is! But the thing is, we all go through life at different paces, we all have different goals in mind. What I enjoy doing as a twenty-two-year-old might be someone else's idea of hell, and that's okay, I've totally grown into the idea of me being a twenty-two-year-old Grandma. Because there's no pressure!! Those articles and what everyone else is doing shouldn't make you question the path you're on. You shouldn't ever feel disappointed with the way your life is panning out if you had your hopes set on someone else's plan for their twenties or a 30-something's hindsight view. It's so easy to get caught up on what you're 'supposed' to do, you can leave barely any time to do what you want to do, or you enjoy doing.

These are the years where you're going to find yourself, that bit is true. And these are the years where you're gonna struggle, you're gonna get setbacks and you're gonna fail and you're gonna think wow what the eff am I supposed to do next? But, you've gotta figure it all out on your own, that's the beauty of it. You will feel as though you're in competition with every other twenty-something person on the planet, because I know I definitely sometimes do. But I guess in the end, the only person we're competing against is ourselves, the 'old' us, the unmotivated us. Everything will definitely sort itself out, you won't be in this limbo forever. Enjoy your 20's because before you know it, we'll all be in our 30's and well and truly in the real world (and hopefully, by then, I've learnt what a mortgage is).

** 2021/25-year old Rebecca: so firstly, I know a littleee more about mortgages, but they still scare me and it's still very much a future thing, so I'm not spending much time thinking about it. Also, the pressures and expectations of graduating did hit me in the face... and I've often found myself drowning in thoughts of where I expected myself to be at 25 or batting away other people's expectations of me as a graduate. And I'm not going to lie, it's a struggle. And in all honestly, I have no idea what I am doing, where I am going, who I will be in a year, five years, ten years time, because who does?! But I do know that I am trying my hardest to live my life for me, to make decisions that please me, to just do me. 

Things I've learnt since graduating, and what I wish I knew before!

For those of you who don’t already know, my name is Rebecca and I am the creator of One Oh One - a project I started when I finished my postgraduate research into the transition out of university. I graduated with my BSc in 2017 and have been in the working world since then (balancing full-time work with my postgraduate research degree was not fun!). 

I’ve learnt a lot during my time in the ‘real’ world. It’s been a joy and an absolute nightmare at the same time. I’ve developed my skills, I’ve grown in confidence, and I’d like to share with you some of the things I’ve come to learn. In life, we always wish we could act on our hindsight and go back to tweak things - perhaps things we wouldn’t have said, or would have said… opportunities we would have taken. If I had the chance to go back and visit 21-year-old me, here’s what I would tell her (and I’m hoping this advice might be helpful for you, too!)

1) You won’t suddenly know what you want to do once you graduate, and that’s okay. Or you might have an idea and then some time later you’ll want to do something else. And whilst that uncertainty may be difficult for you to sit with, realise that it’s okay. Plans change, and you change, too. This is especially important if you realise you don’t want to go into a degree-related career. 

2) And on that note, you don’t need to have a five year plan - or, do have a plan but realise it may not follow through, because things can blindside you and throw it up in the air (ahem, covid-19). 

3) So for that reason, stay flexible. Don’t get caught up if you’re not in the job you want to be in right now. Keep an open mind, and keep putting feelers out. Don’t just wait for places to post vacancies, if you’re interested in working somewhere, reach out and try your luck, and if nothing comes from it, at least you have the experience of networking. 

4) Try not to take rejection personally. It’s a really tough world out here, and we’re no longer competing with just our peers, but with so many people with wide experiences and diverse backgrounds. If you are rejected from a job, can you ask for feedback?

5) And you have to take it easy on yourself. Please do try as hard as you can to not  compare yourself to others and your own expectations of where you thought you’d be/would like to have been. 

6) However, we’re all human, and you will compare yourself to others, and there will be jealousy, or anxiety that you’re not ‘there’ but you have to trust that you are doing just fine at your own pace.

7) It can be difficult to maintain friendships in the working world, but it’s not impossible. Try and plan things with your friends, even if it’s a 30 minute coffee meet up (or Zoom call). 

8) One day you’ll love your job, the next you’ll hate it. Never make brash decisions.

 

9) People are going to love asking you what you plan to do next, don’t be freaked out by that question, it’s okay to say you don’t know. 

10) And finally, you’re never on your own! I can guarantee you, most of your graduate friends have felt completely and totally out of their depths at times… even the ones who look like they’ve got it under control. 

Guest post: Surviving post-graduation blues

 

Eleanor graduated last year from Sheffield Hallam University with a degree in English Language. As we can expect, graduating in the middle of a global pandemic can make the already daunting move out of education seem even more overwhelming. In this guest post, Eleanor talks about her experience dealing with those 'post-graduation blues' that so many of us face and talks us through what she has learnt so far, in the hopes that it can make graduates feeling the same way, less alone.

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Finishing university can be completely overwhelming, let alone during a global pandemic. My second semester of third year was probably the most stressful time of my life. I had constant deadlines to meet, an 8,000-word dissertation to write whilst trying to cope with the pressure of achieving my best mark. How would I be defined if I didn’t get the grade I wanted? These thoughts never left my mind. 

In March 2020, COVID-19 began to impact many people’s lives and it suddenly hit me that I had to return home for lockdown and leave university, three months earlier than I had planned. I didn’t get the chance to say bye to all my friends or thank my lecturers for all their help with my work over the past three years. It was extremely hard finishing my dissertation and all my other assignments at home, there were so many distractions, and I missed being at the library where I felt like I could be the most productive. 

The day finally came when I submitted my last assignment. Although I was completely over the moon that I had finished all my work, it still felt bittersweet. I wasn’t 100% happy because I had no idea what my next steps were, I didn’t know what career I wanted to go in and I genuinely didn’t know what my purpose was after the best years of my life were over so quickly. Whilst feeling like this, all I wanted to do was go back to Sheffield and celebrate finishing university by going on a night out with all my friends. Obviously, this couldn’t happen, and it was the worst feeling ever because I felt like my achievements and success didn’t mean anything. 

I really struggled with moving back home. The independence I gained when living on my own at university and becoming an adult felt like it completely disappeared, and it was almost as if my life had gone completely backwards. I was constantly comparing myself to other people on social media who had secured a graduate job and I felt like a failure because I still didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I had to deal with the constant overpowering questions ‘So, what do you want to do now?’ or ‘When are you going to get a proper job?’. My mental health really took a turn for the worst because I couldn’t stop thinking about the future and all the uncertainty that came with it. 

It took me several months when I finally realised, why am I actually stressing out so much? Just because the job I have now isn’t what I want to be doing forever and I haven’t exactly figured out what my next steps are, this IS okay. I’m only 22 years old and I definitely don’t need to have my whole life planned out. Not to forget the fact that we’re currently living in unprecedented times and finding a job is more difficult than ever, which is why putting unnecessary amounts of pressure on myself isn’t healthy. 

I wanted to write this blog to make sure that other graduates who may also be feeling like this know that they’re not alone. There is so much support at university when you’re a student, but as soon as you leave you can feel completely isolated and not part of a community anymore. Even though COVID-19 has made this difficult, it’s important to stay in touch with your friends from university who may be struggling with this transition too, and reach out for support if you need it. I’ve tried to overcome my post-university blues by keeping busy, taking regular breaks from social media so I’m not constantly looking at what other people are doing, and making sure that I’m patient. If like me, you’re not set on what you want to do, try and see this as something positive! You have time to travel, volunteer, or even work abroad for some time if you want to experience a different culture and gain some experience. Remember that you’re still young and it’s better to give yourself time to think about what you want to do, rather than committing to a job that you might hate and end up regretting rushing into it.

Guest post: Challenges of graduate life and how you can overcome them (Niraj, MORSE (BSc) graduate)

Image source: https://www.instagram.com/analogbynat/

Hi everyone my name is Niraj and I am so excited to be writing for Rebecca’s blog today! To say a bit about myself, I graduated from Warwick University this year, having studied MORSE (Mathematics, Operational Research, Statistics and Economics). I have just started a graduate scheme at an actuarial consultancy. Post-graduate life can be tough, whether you enjoyed your time at university or not. This blog post talks about some of the most challenging things about post-graduate life, and I will also try and give some tips on how you can go about overcoming these challenges.

Maintaining friendships

At university, when you made friends it was often pretty easy to maintain them, as you were fairly nearby to your university friends, and therefore it wasn’t too hard arranging fun things to do with them. However, I found that it was quite hard to maintain all of my university friendships after graduation, and this was for two main reasons. Firstly, a good number of my university friends don’t live near me, so even if there was no pandemic, it would still require effort to arrange a face to face catch up. I live in London, but I have friends that live in places such as Norwich, Birmingham, and Wales. I also have university friends that don’t live in the UK! The second reason is that we are all busy with full-time jobs, as well as other responsibilities. Therefore, any catch-up, whether it is over a video call or face to face would have to be planned around that, and this has proved tricky in a lot of cases. I actually wrote a separate blog post on the challenge of maintaining friendships, which can be found here.

It is hard not to be able to see and interact with your university friends as much as you used to, and it’s perfectly ok to feel sad about this. However, one tip I would give that helped me is to plan and schedule catch-ups in advance, rather than rely on spontaneous plans. As I currently work a full-time job, I tend to use the weekdays to schedule weekend plans with friends. Having advance notice of when I am meeting or even video calling friends allows me to plan things around that. 

Adapting to a different lifestyle

I feel that the lifestyle at university is very specific and unique to university life and that things do change after graduation. For a lot of students that I know, this change has proved tricky. Some have felt a loss of freedom and independence by going back to their family home. Others thrived with having a daily routine at university, and now they are struggling to deal with the lack of routine after graduation. I appreciate that every university student has had their own experience when it has come to leaving the university lifestyle and adapting to a new one. Personally, I have found this to be the hardest part of leaving university, and something that was a shock to the system after 4 years at university.

The best piece of advice I would give here is to use this change as an opportunity to do things you wouldn’t have done at university. I do understand that this is easier said than done, however, it is not impossible. When I finished university, I met up with school friends, started blogging again, and started reading. All of these are fun but things I didn’t really have time to do at university. I also started my new job which I really enjoy. Reframing your mind to think about the opportunities that come with the post-university lifestyle helps you with having a positive mindset, which is great for wellbeing. 

Comparing yourself with others – This is a big one. It’s very easy for me to say how you shouldn’t compare yourself with others. However, with technology and social media being a massive part of our lives, most of us inevitably fall into the comparison trap. Comparison with others is a particularly big issue after graduation. You may be struggling to find a job, and then reading posts on LinkedIn or Facebook about your friends getting their dream jobs can make you feel down. This is because you can end up comparing yourself to your friends that have jobs, and feel behind as a result. You are all amazing people in your own unique way, and sometimes social media and comparison can make it hard to recognise this. Furthermore, comparing yourself to others can be detrimental to your mental health and wellbeing.

In terms of advice, I am not going to say that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others, as this is easier said than done, and even I do it from time to time. However, what I would say is the things that people tell you or share on social media is never the full story. People generally only share the good things that have happened in their lives, but everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Therefore, even the people that seem to have it all figured out will have things that are not so good in their lives.

I hope this blog post helps and that you are all keeping well. Post-graduation can be a tough time, and it is so important to prioritise your mental health and wellbeing. Remember that there is support out there, and I am always happy to talk to you on nirajshah2003@gmail if you feel that you are struggling.  

 

Read more of Niraj's posts: https://niraj.home.blog/

Guest post: Erin - English Graduate (BA), 'Imposter Syndrome: What is it, and how do we overcome it?'

Image source: instagram.com/emmatterbury

Imposter syndrome is something most people will experience in their lifetime - whether in their working life or personal life. Our guest blogger, Erin, a recent English (BA) graduate, sums up beautifully how it feels to enter the working world whilst battling feelings of imposter syndrome, and shares how she's found ways to handle it. 

Erin has previously written for One Oh One about her experience of graduating in the middle of the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic. You can read that here. 

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Having recently begun my first post-graduate job, the last few weeks have been filled with huge learning moments. However, two weeks ago, when sitting in a meeting with my line manager, I had perhaps the biggest one of them all. ‘Try not to compare yourself to (insert name of much older colleague here). She’s been doing this for years, and you’ve just begun, in the middle of a pandemic, no less.’ He told me after I expressed my worries that I wasn’t as capable of working as independently as she was. It was then and there that I realised, I was beating myself up for not being an expert in a role that I’d been in for a month, allowing myself to worry that I wasn’t intelligent enough, experienced enough, or good enough to do a job that I had, actually, been coping incredibly well with. 

In the world of psychology, this feeling has been termed ‘imposter syndrome’. Essentially, it’s the feeling that you don’t belong within a workspace, the feeling that your achievements are the result of chance and luck, and the feeling that you don’t deserve the recognition you’re receiving. If you find yourself feeling like you might have tricked your employers into believing in you, that you shouldn’t be placing such a high value upon your work or that you are undeserving of a break because ‘well, I don’t work that hard anyway’, then you might be suffering from imposter syndrome. But why could this be?

Research has suggested that graduates in particular are significantly more likely to experience this feeling. In school – and even in university – we are constantly provided with proof of our achievements, be it in the form of grades, feedback from teachers and professors, awards, etc. Within such an environment, it’s easy to pinpoint the areas in which you’ve done well, and where you might need to improve. However, as soon we leave the education bubble, we are forced into a world where the only person judging our work may be, at times, ourselves. At this stage, it may become increasingly difficult to see yourself as a valued member of your team, especially when you aren’t receiving personally tailored feedback for every task you complete. This can be even more true for those belonging to groups whose competence in certain fields is often brought into question. Women and ethnic minorities – I’m looking at you. 

Ultimately, it’s important to remember that whilst these feelings are completely normal, they’re most definitely holding you back. Here are some simple steps that I have taken to curtail that familiar wave of self-doubt: 

• Remembering that I’m not alone. It may not seem like it, but your co-workers, your managers, the people in the media that you look up to? they’ve all experienced this feeling before. Having a look at people you admire and reminding yourself that they have also felt like an imposter at some point can sometimes be enough to rid yourself of the insecurity. It can also be helpful to share these thoughts with colleagues if you feel comfortable doing so. Rest assured, they will probably remind you of all the reasons that you do belong in your role. 

• Stopping the comparison. This isn’t school anymore; you and your colleagues didn’t all take the same maths test with easily comparable results. Without a doubt, there will be nobody around you at work with an identical history, facing identical challenges. Therefore, comparison is your worst enemy! Instead, try to own your personal accomplishments (no matter how small). Was today the first day you didn’t have to get your line-manager to check a draft before you sent it? That’s an accomplishment, so celebrate it!

• Not allowing the self-doubt to impact my decisions. Whilst it may be impossible to avoid that nagging feeling of ‘I’m a fraud!’ when you come across a task you simply can’t complete, it is possible to ensure that you don’t allow that doubt to stop you from taking action. Remember, asking for help doesn’t make you any less deserving of your role. 

• Lastly, reminding myself how far I’ve already come. At eighteen years old, I remember thinking that the idea of writing a dissertation was so terrifying that I would never complete a degree. There was probably a day when you, too, didn’t think you were capable enough to finish something, let alone do well. Making a list of all the things you have achieved, rather than focusing on what you haven’t, is a sure-fire way to stop feeling like you’ve failed.

Help! Handling job interview anxiety

Job interviews at the best of times are nerve-wracking experiences, everyone will experience anxiety to some degree - that’s totally normal. Of course, this can be amplified if you struggle with your anxiety on a day-to-day basis! 

I have always hated job interviews, I remember my very first interview for a sales assistant position at 16, god, I was so nervous, I didn’t eat for 24 hours. Safe to say, I absolutely flunked it, and got the call the same day to tell me I had been unsuccessful (brutal). I vowed to never go to a job interview again, feeling totally ashamed I couldn’t answer their question of, ‘where in the store is best to display our new handheld fan collection, and should we put the batteries next to the display or away?’ 

But of course, you can’t avoid job interviews, unfortunately, you just have to learn how to handle them!

Until I was 22, most of my job interviews were for part-time roles in stores or cafes, my first big interview was for an Educational Support Assistant role at a local sixth form college. Getting that interview was definitely a ‘right place at the right time’ sort of situation, after inquiring about work experience and being told they had a vacancy if I was interested. I’d gone in to speak, unofficially, with the SENCo of the college to ask more about the role, and knew straight away that I definitely wanted to apply. She pretty much told me on that day that she’d be up for hiring me, but we had to go through the official route of applying/interviewing, ‘there will only be 3 people on the interview panel!’ yeah, 3 people too many to my anxious brain! I really thought I would have gotten away with not having an interview, after explaining how I often struggled with anxiety, she was incredibly understanding and reassured me that she would be there, and she’d fight my corner. 

Going into that interview, yes I was nervous, but also felt some comfort knowing that I’d already impressed ⅓ of the panel, and just had to do the same with the others. The whole interview, I could feel my throat closing in, I was shaking, but I got through it and I received a call the same day to say I had been successful RESULT! I worked there from 2018 to the start of this year. 

The last time I had an interview was for my current role at a university. I hadn’t been sure at the time whether I wanted to attend, because I loved the job that I was in - I had been applying at a time where I was interested to see what other opportunities were out there with my experience, not expecting any results. Anyway, I received an invite to attend an interview, and at that point, I wanted nothing more than to avoid the whole situation and stay in the comfort of my familiar role. I was so close to saying no, feeling sick at the prospect of having to go and sit opposite a panel of people asking me questions I might not be able to answer (*flashbacks to the handheld fan*). But, I figured, my anxiety and clear desire to steer clear of interviews was just definite proof I needed more experience. And plus, I was interested in hearing more about the role I had applied for. 

I spent the time before my interviewing researching the role, pulling apart the job description to write about how my current experiences and skills matched up to the job role, and I tried to imagine the sort of questions they would ask me. As you expect, the usual suspects ‘tell me about a time you have successfully handled conflict’, ‘what are your strengths/weaknesses’? As had happened in my very first interview, I didn’t eat anything the day before - god bless physical symptoms of anxiety, and couldn’t face any sort of food/drink the morning of. I had planned my route, I would drive to work, park up, spend an hour in work answering emails, meeting students, and then walk across for my interview.

I spent that morning at work crying in the toilets for pure fear of going to the interview, for fear of being offered the job, and needing to decide what to do. I remember my colleagues having to hype me up to leave, reminding me how I would smash it and that they were proud of me. I spent the walk to the interview trying to hype myself up. It failed miserably, as I sat directly outside the building I was supposed to interview in having a HUGE panic attack. Despite the fact I was incredibly embarrassed to be having this experience in public, worrying the people interviewing me would see me, I was paralysed by anxiety and couldn’t move. At that point, I wanted to admit defeat, I couldn’t go in. 

I sat there for about 5 minutes, trying to calm myself down. And perhaps the strongest inside voice I had ever heard, appeared out of nowhere and said ‘Nope, you’re not doing this to me anymore. You’re not winning’. And just like that, I stood up, wiped my tears, hoped my make-up hadn’t smudged too much, took a deep breath, and walked into the building. I had NEVER felt that strong and determined, and there was no fight back from my anxious voice, it was like I had taken it by surprise! To this day, I can’t believe how quickly I was able to pick myself up.

As soon as the interview began, my anxiety began to dissipate, it didn’t disappear completely and there were times where I couldn’t answer a question and I wanted the ground to swallow me, but I survived. And all the while I couldn’t believe my strength. I felt like saying to the panel, I was a broken mess outside just 2 minutes ago, and look at me go!!! As I’ve already made clear, I did get the role! And to this day, I am immensely proud of myself, because I could so easily have left that day and missed out on this opportunity. 

SO after all this - what tips do I have for handling your anxiety in a job interview?

- Prepare, not just the night before! Sit with the job description, try to apply your experience and skills to explain why you could meet the expectations/specification. 

- Know where your interview is taking place, sort out your route ahead of time, and give yourself plenty of time, you don’t want to be rushing!

- Before going into the interview, take deep breaths.

- Avoid caffeine before your interview, if you already struggle with interview nerves, adding caffeine will amplify all the physical symptoms and can make it difficult for you to relax

- Research the company, if they ask you why you want to work for them - can you highlight parts of the company values which match with yours? 

- It’s okay to not understand a question, ask if they can rephrase. If you still don’t understand what they mean when they’re asking where they should place the handheld fans, hold your hands-up, admit defeat, and explain you are unable to answer. You could say: ‘I’m really sorry, I am unable to answer that question right now, am I able to come back to this at the end of the interview?’ This can buy you some time to think, or you could say ‘I’m sorry, I am unable to provide you an answer to that question’. You’re only human, not everyone has the answer to everything, we’re not Alexa.

- If you know you fidget a lot, try and take something with you to make it less obvious you are fidgeting, wear a ring that you can play with under the table, or find something discrete to take with you to channel that fidgeting. 

- Maintain eye contact, as scary as it seems - don’t look at the table.

- If they offer you water, take it - if you feel your throat drying up, or you feel yourself becoming particularly anxious, take a sip. 

- It’s okay if you don’t have any questions when they ask, but I would always try and have some banked… Perhaps you could ask what a typical day is like in the office, what they enjoy about working for the company? What sort of opportunities for progression are available? If you’re really at a blank, explain you don’t have any questions at that time, but you would be able to email anything to the relevant people should anything come up. 

- Treat any job interview - no matter how much you want the role - as purely experience, the more pressure you put on yourself to succeed, the more your interview will come across staged and intense, try and relax, of course, you’re aiming for the best outcome, but don’t pressure yourself.

After the interview, take some time to recollect. Don’t be diving straight into any taxing tasks. Reward yourself in some way, remind yourself how proud you are of yourself! Whilst you’re waiting for your result, try not to overthink it. If you get the job - celebrate!! If you are unsuccessful, don’t be too hard on yourself, you did amazing even going to the interview!

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How to: survive living with your parents

Moving back in with your parents after living independently during university I’d say is the most difficult part of the transition… (of course, finding a job is pretty damn hard, especially in these current corona times). Moving back to my childhood home for me was incredibly hard. Before moving to university, I had always doubted my ability to live independently, being the definition of a home bird, I expected it to be hell. But they were the BEST years of my entire life. Before university, I’d never really been away from my mum for longer than a week - struggling (yes, even as an adult) with separation anxiety whenever I was away from her.

What surprised me most was the fact I never once (genuinely!) experienced homesickness, this was possibly helped by the fact I had moved out with one of my best friends who started at the same university as me on the same degree course. In that time, I grew so much as a person, I learnt so much about myself - outside of my family’s influence (because we’ve always been so close and have lived together on the same estate all my life). I learnt my own beliefs, my own likes, my own dislikes, my own ways of viewing and reacting to things. I had a blast. Any time I returned home for a week or more, whilst it was nice to see my family - I was desperate to return to my space, my place of growth. Summers were always a struggle. In my final year, I kind of dreaded the fact I’d be moving back home for an indefinite amount of time (not having the funds to live independently).

I moved out of my childhood home as exactly that, a child, young and naive at 18. I left, an adult, my own person, at 21. The moment I stepped back in that door with three years of my life packed up and ready to unpack in a space that no longer connected with me, I was 18 again. My family hadn’t spent a lot of time with the person I had become at university, they saw me briefly for summers, christmas and some weekends, but they didn’t see the Rebecca I was away from them - who managed her own bills, worked alongside her degree, did her own weekly food shops, budgeted, drank with friends at the weekend, wrote for the student magazine, they didn’t see that I wasn’t the person I left.

I moved back home in July 2017 and am still at home to this day… and it’s been tough. And lockdown has only made it tougher - having to work from home and having barely any opportunities to escape. I have felt myself become more and more like the 18-year old I left behind.

I wanted to share some tips that have helped me navigate and survive the big move.

1) Establish your boundaries with your parent(s), remind them that you are a full-grown adult - just like them! Yes, you are still their child, but you are not a child. Boundaries could look like refusing to be told when to go to bed (yep, I’m still often told ‘don’t go to bed too late!), asking them to respect your privacy - knocking on your door rather than coming in uninvited. And just establishing some me-time where you’re not mithered.

2) If you are financially able to - pay your parents some rent, work out what is an acceptable amount. This has helped me to feel a little more independent - knowing that I am part of the upkeep of the house, rather than relying on my parents to pay for bills and food shopping.

3) Have open and honest conversations with them - if you’re feeling suffocated by them, or you’re feeling they’re not respecting your boundaries or the fact you are a whole ass adult, tell them. You are able to have adult conversations. Try your hardest not to revert back to a teenager in these moments aka ‘you’re sooo unfair, you don’t understand me!!! Life is soooo not fair’... leave that behind, the more you’re acting like a teenager, the easier it is for them to treat you like one - and the cycle continues.

4) Get. out. the. house. Go for a walk, have some time alone, meet your friends (of course, sticking to government guidelines in these times). Have something you do outside of the house that is for you and you alone.

5) Find ways to help around the house - become a housemate rather than the child. Would you have let your uni housemate cook tea for you every night, iron your clothes, wash your clothes, wake you up, change your bedding etc., nope, so don’t let your parent(s) do this. Yeah, it’s easier, but again, it’ll only reinforce the child-parent relationship, do your own goddamn ironing!

Living with your parent(s) whilst it might be tough, it’s also a real privilege and it’s important to acknowledge that. Some people aren’t that lucky. I am incredibly grateful that my mum allowed me to move back in, and isn't pushing me or rushing me to move, rather giving me the time to get everything in order before I flee the nest a second time. And don’t forget, it’s also equally as important to remember your parent(s) had those three years without you, they may have changed as well! They aren’t used to having you back around the house, so the more you work together on the move going smoothly, the easier it’s gonna be. Give your parents their own space, too. Don’t be disrespectful, respect their boundaries and any rules of their house. And you’ll survive it.

Help! What happens when I decide I don't want to go into a degree-related career?

Ellie O'Connell, a psychology graduate, decided after landing a degree-related career that working within the field of psychology wasn't for her. Ellie then decided to take another path and now works successfully as an investment graduate associate at an independent financial adviser. Below she talks about how that felt, what her next steps were after her realisation, and what advice she'd offer to someone who finds themselves in the same shoes after graduation. 

1) How were you preparing to graduate - did you have a plan for your next steps?

I always had the idea that I would complete my undergraduate degree, and then go on to complete a Masters and then a PhD but by the time my third year rolled around I was desperate to leave further education, move back home to Manchester and begin my 'adult' life. In the lead up to the end of university and graduation, I was so stressed out about my final exams and my dissertation that I wasn't thinking about what was next. 

2) Did you have any worries about graduating - if so, what were they?

My only main worry about leaving university initially was finding a job. I was excited to move back home, and be close to my family and friends again. The transition was a lot harder than I anticipated though. I went from living with my friends and being around people all of the time to suddenly living with just my mum and being unemployed meaning that I was alone a lot. 

3) What was your experience like searching for jobs once you had your degree?

Once I had moved home, I went back to work at the local pub and just started scouring Indeed and Reed etc to find any sort of job that had something to do with psychology - but that you didn't need a Masters/ PhD for. I didn't know what I wanted to do, or what my ideal career path was. Searching for a job was a long process, with lots of rejection! I applied for a lot of jobs and didn't get an interview for 3 months. In the end, I only got one interview but luckily I was successful!

4) When did you realise you didn’t want to use your degree directly for your
career?

There wasn't really a point at which I decided I didn't want to use my degree, I just knew I had to change jobs and wanted something that had a lot less pressure involved. The first job I got after university was a Support Worker for young women who had autism, learning disabilities and depression. I found the role really challenging emotionally as if I did anything wrong, it could seriously impact the lives and wellbeing of the women in my care. It was beginning to really affect me so I resigned and worked in retail for a bit. I'm not saying retail isn't hard, but I found the change exactly what I needed. I came to the realisation that for the time being I wanted to do something that was still challenging, but the consequences of getting things wrong were less severe. At that time, I felt like that excluded a lot of psychology based roles.

5) What sort of feelings/thoughts came with that realisation?

The only feeling I really had when I came to that realisation was relief. 

6) What were your next steps then, realising psychology wasn’t for you?

I started to look for any job in any field that would accept someone without relevant experience and I felt like I had so many more options. It was still a struggle to find a non-retail role but I was enjoying myself where I was so I just felt a lot more relaxed.

7) What has been the most exciting part of leaving university and education
behind?

Initially, I was just excited to move back to Manchester. Nottingham is great, but I never really felt at home there. I love living near my family, friends and my cat. I feel like I have a much bigger support system here so I'm overall happier being here, which itself is very exciting. But now I have a full-time job I enjoy and have moved out of my family home, I feel very settled.

8) What has been the least exciting/challenging part of being outside of
education?

The least exciting part about leaving university at first was when I realised the transition for both me and my mum from living in different cities to living together again would not be the easiest. We get on really well, but it was a struggle. I had lived independently for 3 years and suddenly felt like that independence was being dragged away from me. The dynamic had definitely changed, but after a couple of months we settled into a new routine and all was well again. 

9) Is there anything about the ‘real world’ you didn’t expect/weren’t prepared for?

The only thing I wasn't prepared for was how difficult the transition from uni would be. I had to develop a new routine which took some time.

10) Is there anything you wish you had been told about leaving university?

1. Some things are going to be a bit harder than anticipated, but you have got to just take it all in your stride! 2. Everybody else is going through a similar thing
3. Do not compare your journey to anyone else's
4. Make sure you take advantage of every opportunity you get! 

11) Three words to describe your transition from university?

 BIG LIFE CHANGE

12) What advice would you offer to someone who was in your shoes - realising they didn’t want to use their degree directly in their career path?

If you feel like you don't want to use your degree, don't! Everything you learnt and experienced will help you even if it is not obvious. You can always go back to it in the future. Your happiness is the most important thing.

Help! Not ready to say goodbye to education yet - Is a PhD/Masters for me?

If you're currently finding yourself wondering whether to take on a postgraduate degree or not, you may have some questions similar to these below that PhD English Language student, Faye Chambers, can answer:

1. When is the deadline to decide you want to do a postgraduate degree?

I’m not sure there is any deadline really – different schemes may have restrictions but as long as you have a 2.1 or 1st at undergraduate I think you can start an MA course any time in the future, there is no need to rush into anything. I feel like I rushed into postgraduate studies and that might have been a mistake. To get the free MA by research the deadline was having a start date within 12 months of graduating for undergraduate research, so I deferred for three months and started in the January after I graduated. Because I ended up being rolled onto a PhD scheme the deadline for that was very sudden – I had about a week to turn around a funding application and get onto the course so had no time to really consider the decision.

2. What kind of funding is available?

The standard government student loans are available for course fees and living expenses, up to 10,000 a year, but you can borrow less if you don’t need it all. The thing to consider with these loans is that you will pay them back alongside your undergraduate loan so may end up with larger payments each month, but that’s only once you are earning above the graduate wage threshold (currently 25000 a year).

3. Why did you decide to do a postgraduate degree?

Probably for all the wrong reasons! I’m really interested in my subject area [English language] so I think I would have done some postgraduate study eventually, but I don’t think I would have gone straight into it from graduating without the pressure from funding or from lecturers. Our university offered a free masters to students who got a first, but on the condition that you had to start within 1 year of graduating. My grades were really good so I felt I would be wasting an opportunity if I didn’t take the scholarship. The same thing happened with my PhD – I was partway through my masters and PhD funding was offered to me, and my supervisor said she thought I was capable and that it was normally really hard to get funding, so I threw myself into it without really considering why. I am very lucky to have these opportunities but at the same time feel I’ve ended up on a path I wouldn’t necessarily have chosen for myself.

4. I don’t feel ready to leave uni yet… do you think it would be a good idea to stay in education until I decide on what I want to do?

I think if you enjoy studying and have an idea that interests you for a research project then absolutely. There shouldn’t be so much pressure to have a career goal at the end of what you are doing – learning for your own enjoyment is a great thing to do. But if the only motivation behind staying on at uni is that you don’t know what else you want to do I think it would be really hard to manage, both in terms of passing the course and on your own mental health. There are plenty of ways to spend your twenties if you don’t know what you want to do. Try loads of different jobs out with no pressure and see if you like them. Or do any job at all just to get a bit of money together and use the funds to enrich your life outside of work. Do a bit of travelling. Pick up a new skill you have always wanted to try. I don’t think anybody really knows what they want to do for a career so just do what makes you happiest.

5. How much academic support do you receive from your university during a postgraduate degree?

There are taught masters with set lessons more like an undergraduate degree, but with research degrees, most of the planning and work is done by yourself. Usually, universities recommend one meeting a month with your supervisor, and then you can email them questions. There are also courses run by the library and postgraduate team each week if you choose to attend, but these are optional and quite general study skills sessions. There isn’t a lot of contact time at all.

6. Are there many opportunities to get your work published?

Yes, but you don’t need to be a postgraduate to have work published! You will need to turn your research into an article and submit this to a journal in your field. Most journals have online submission guides so you can format your work to match what they are looking for, and they will review it, then come back to you with a decision. I suppose being a postgraduate will help because you will have more practise at academic writing and see work from fellow researchers, but you still have to put the work into your paper separately from your uni work. Also, submissions are judged blind so what matters is the quality of the paper, and not whether you’re an undergrad or a professor. I would say the more common way to showcase your work as a postgrad is conferences. Our department has an annual conference, and the university-wide one is also once a year, plus there will be opportunities for visiting conferences from outside organisations and other unis.

7. What was it like going from an undergraduate degree to a postgraduate?

The most difficult part is not having strict timetables and deadlines to work towards, whereas undergraduate courses have several modules and you might have work to hand in two or three times a year, postgraduate research is all reliant on one thesis. There are no lecturers asking to see work from you every few weeks so it’s very easy to put off work by going ‘oh I’ll do it next week’, especially when your deadline is three years in the future. Then what happens is before you know it half the time has gone, you’ve wasted it sitting in your pyjamas, and you have 80,000 words to write!

8. Would I be able to work alongside doing a postgraduate degree?

Universities advise against it but I think you have to, in order to live. Unless you are fortunate enough to get a huge scholarship or have some money to one side, it would be impossible to live independently without working. I think it’s very important to get the balance right – I work 4 days a week which is probably why I’m falling behind on my PhD because I’m so mentally exhausted from working that I have no brainpower left on my days off! If you plan and manage your time well I think it’s possible to do both well though. Also, lots of universities offer teaching work which they will pay postgraduates for, and this is probably a good option for anyone thinking of pursuing an academic career, giving you experience as well as some cash.

9. What piece of advice would you give to someone who has decided to take on postgraduate study?

I’d say if you have decided on studying at postgraduate level, organise yourself and manage your time well. Set mini-goals or deadlines which are achievable so you don’t feel like you’re struggling in a huge void. But I think you need to ask yourself one question before you start; if I could do absolutely anything in the world, and money and circumstances were no object, would it be this postgraduate degree? If the answer is no then you should probably weigh up why you are taking on this huge amount of stress and work for yourself!