Moving back in with your parents after living independently during university I’d say is the most difficult part of the transition… (of course, finding a job is pretty damn hard, especially in these current corona times). Moving back to my childhood home for me was incredibly hard. Before moving to university, I had always doubted my ability to live independently, being the definition of a home bird, I expected it to be hell. But they were the BEST years of my entire life. Before university, I’d never really been away from my mum for longer than a week - struggling (yes, even as an adult) with separation anxiety whenever I was away from her.
What surprised me most was the fact I never once (genuinely!) experienced homesickness, this was possibly helped by the fact I had moved out with one of my best friends who started at the same university as me on the same degree course. In that time, I grew so much as a person, I learnt so much about myself - outside of my family’s influence (because we’ve always been so close and have lived together on the same estate all my life). I learnt my own beliefs, my own likes, my own dislikes, my own ways of viewing and reacting to things. I had a blast. Any time I returned home for a week or more, whilst it was nice to see my family - I was desperate to return to my space, my place of growth. Summers were always a struggle. In my final year, I kind of dreaded the fact I’d be moving back home for an indefinite amount of time (not having the funds to live independently).
I moved out of my childhood home as exactly that, a child, young and naive at 18. I left, an adult, my own person, at 21. The moment I stepped back in that door with three years of my life packed up and ready to unpack in a space that no longer connected with me, I was 18 again. My family hadn’t spent a lot of time with the person I had become at university, they saw me briefly for summers, christmas and some weekends, but they didn’t see the Rebecca I was away from them - who managed her own bills, worked alongside her degree, did her own weekly food shops, budgeted, drank with friends at the weekend, wrote for the student magazine, they didn’t see that I wasn’t the person I left.
I moved back home in July 2017 and am still at home to this day… and it’s been tough. And lockdown has only made it tougher - having to work from home and having barely any opportunities to escape. I have felt myself become more and more like the 18-year old I left behind.
I wanted to share some tips that have helped me navigate and survive the big move.
1) Establish your boundaries with your parent(s), remind them that you are a full-grown adult - just like them! Yes, you are still their child, but you are not a child. Boundaries could look like refusing to be told when to go to bed (yep, I’m still often told ‘don’t go to bed too late!), asking them to respect your privacy - knocking on your door rather than coming in uninvited. And just establishing some me-time where you’re not mithered.
2) If you are financially able to - pay your parents some rent, work out what is an acceptable amount. This has helped me to feel a little more independent - knowing that I am part of the upkeep of the house, rather than relying on my parents to pay for bills and food shopping.
3) Have open and honest conversations with them - if you’re feeling suffocated by them, or you’re feeling they’re not respecting your boundaries or the fact you are a whole ass adult, tell them. You are able to have adult conversations. Try your hardest not to revert back to a teenager in these moments aka ‘you’re sooo unfair, you don’t understand me!!! Life is soooo not fair’... leave that behind, the more you’re acting like a teenager, the easier it is for them to treat you like one - and the cycle continues.
4) Get. out. the. house. Go for a walk, have some time alone, meet your friends (of course, sticking to government guidelines in these times). Have something you do outside of the house that is for you and you alone.
5) Find ways to help around the house - become a housemate rather than the child. Would you have let your uni housemate cook tea for you every night, iron your clothes, wash your clothes, wake you up, change your bedding etc., nope, so don’t let your parent(s) do this. Yeah, it’s easier, but again, it’ll only reinforce the child-parent relationship, do your own goddamn ironing!
Living with your parent(s) whilst it might be tough, it’s also a real privilege and it’s important to acknowledge that. Some people aren’t that lucky. I am incredibly grateful that my mum allowed me to move back in, and isn't pushing me or rushing me to move, rather giving me the time to get everything in order before I flee the nest a second time. And don’t forget, it’s also equally as important to remember your parent(s) had those three years without you, they may have changed as well! They aren’t used to having you back around the house, so the more you work together on the move going smoothly, the easier it’s gonna be. Give your parents their own space, too. Don’t be disrespectful, respect their boundaries and any rules of their house. And you’ll survive it.
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