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| Self-portrait illustrated by Libby |
Hello. Bonjour. Greetings to my fellow members of the graduated-and-now-what club (and those soon to join). Firstly let me start by saying that it took me far longer than I care to admit to formulate that initial sentence, and I haven’t written anything “properly”, apart from the odd cover letter, since my dissertation which I submitted in July 2017. So there we are. Maybe bear this in mind when reading what I am about to haphazardly scramble together and subsequently let my friend Rebecca publish to her wonderful brainchild that is One Oh One magazine.
“Who is this rambling creature I am subjecting my brain cells to?” I hear you ask. Well, my name is Libby, I am 23 years old, and I got my bachelors degree in Graphic Design from The University of Huddersfield in November 2017. And what a long, hard slog it was too. The best three years of your life, my bum. Although I do recognise that those words do indeed ring true for many, allowing many to gain independence and carve out an identity away from parents, and allowing for a chance to explore new environments and subjects et cetera, but for me, much to my sadness, my time at university was not so great. I was plagued with self-doubt, extreme anxiety, physical and mental health issues, unhelpful tutors, course uncertainties, a flatmate whose degree may well have been in how to get away with stealing and making communal kitchens a hazardous waste zone, loneliness, the list could go on – but I’m not here to spread misery and woe you shall be grateful to learn, but to appraise you all with gallant and fanciful tales* of my life post graduation.
*Disclaimer: my life has not been gallant or fanciful in the slightest since leaving university but please read on nonetheless.
Graduating from university was a weird one. A mixed-up mixed bag of feelings, if you will. For all the reasons mentioned above, a big part of me was elated to be free from the place that had caused me so much misery and I felt like a new beginning could be just what I needed to focus on getting back to myself and would allow me space to -as corny as it sounds- ‘heal’, find enjoyment in my hobbies again and centre my energy on becoming mentally well, while moving back home and being surrounded by my family. On the other hand, however, graduation signalled a very clear End to my whole life’s identity as a student. I love to learn, and up until university had generally thrived in an academic setting and put all my self-worth into good academic results, so this was a hard pill to swallow (another hard pill to swallow: No more student discount). An existential crisis was on the cards, but as I’d already been having one for about three years, this one didn’t hit too hard. I did struggle though most of the following year after graduating - beating myself up about not already having secured a job (if only I’d done a placement year!) wondering why I didn’t enjoy university (was it me, my over-thinking brain, my course, my tutors? I’m still unsure) feeling sad I didn’t get a First Class degree (Hello Perfectionism!) and just generally feeling a bit lost and disappointed in myself. Inspirational Instagram quotes became my best friend: “When you’re in a dark place you tend to think of yourself as being buried. Perhaps you’ve been planted. Bloom.” Feel free to scorn. If any of this is sounding familiar to your situation, then you have my sympathies, but also perhaps slightly selfishly I’m glad not to be the only one having felt this way.
I am yet to Bloom I feel, but for all my negative feelings, I am starting to feel more positive about my life post-graduation. I had my first proper job interview last year, and it went well – not so well I got the job – but I did get positive feedback from the people who interviewed me, and as someone with an anxiety disorder that requires medication, this was a Big Deal. I’ve started to draw frequently again and found the confidence to share my work online through Instagram, which has been met with a positive response. I feel lucky not to have a family that are constantly pressurising me to get a job, even though it would help them a lot financially, but who understand for the most part and realise that I’m trying my best, and doing things in my own time. I’ve regained a mental clarity of sorts and for the first time in a while actually feel like I may be capable of achieving my goals and living the life I’d like to live.
Things that are helping with this uncertain phase of my life are: Knowing it won’t be like this forever, speaking with friends I made at University (the best thing to come out of my time there!) and realising everyone is on their own path and feels a bit unsure, re-connecting with old friends, engaging in things that I enjoy, going for long walks, working on improving all aspects of myself – oh, and feeding my desire for gleaning knowledge by learning French on Duolingo (r.i.p my 399 day streak, Feb/2019).
It’s a struggle, but I know I’ll get where I want to be in my own time, and so will you.
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