Your 20's don't have to be your "20's"

The other day, I watched Connor Franta's (quite possibly my favourite Youtuber) newest video titled, "it's not you, it's your 20's" and it got me thinking about an old blog post I wrote for my long-gone personal blog in 2018: Your 20's don't have to be your "20's". I wrote it at 22. I'm now halfway through my 20's but I still firmly stand behind my message... so I wanted to re-share here what I wrote back then (see the *'s for new additions from 25 year old me). Enjoy! 

_ _ _ _ _ 

There are so many articles out there titled things similar to:

"Don't mess your 20's up: tips to get the most out of your 20's"
"Here are 20 things to do in your 20's"
"Life lessons every twenty-something should learn"

There is so much emphasis on your 20's being the best years of your life; the years you shape yourself into who you want to be, have the best 'carefree experiences. You're pretty much sold the belief that your 20's are gonna be these exciting years of being an adult - but not really - the years where you're gonna fall in love, you're gonna find out what your passion is in life. We grow up, ultimately moulding these beliefs for our lives, taking in the things we read, the things we watch, the people we watch and the people we listen to and we cast our vision into the future with a step-by-step blueprint of what we can expect to happen next. But what if you don't want to live your 20's the way you're expected to? Or what if they were just sugar-coating all along?

I'm not saying expectations are a bad thing, so long as you don't cling to them like they're absolute truths of what's gonna happen in your life, you're fine. Coming from university, I knew what was already expected of me. Graduate, get a 'proper job', save up for a mortgage, buy a house, finally become an 'adult'. And yeah, I've only just recently graduated (but managed to hide away from the real world by doing my masters, so I have another year in the comfort of academia, phew) but I am nowhere even close to achieving any of those things, and I'm not gonna lie, I wouldn't even know where to start with getting a mortgage, I'm not even 100% sure what it is! But the thing is, we all go through life at different paces, we all have different goals in mind. What I enjoy doing as a twenty-two-year-old might be someone else's idea of hell, and that's okay, I've totally grown into the idea of me being a twenty-two-year-old Grandma. Because there's no pressure!! Those articles and what everyone else is doing shouldn't make you question the path you're on. You shouldn't ever feel disappointed with the way your life is panning out if you had your hopes set on someone else's plan for their twenties or a 30-something's hindsight view. It's so easy to get caught up on what you're 'supposed' to do, you can leave barely any time to do what you want to do, or you enjoy doing.

These are the years where you're going to find yourself, that bit is true. And these are the years where you're gonna struggle, you're gonna get setbacks and you're gonna fail and you're gonna think wow what the eff am I supposed to do next? But, you've gotta figure it all out on your own, that's the beauty of it. You will feel as though you're in competition with every other twenty-something person on the planet, because I know I definitely sometimes do. But I guess in the end, the only person we're competing against is ourselves, the 'old' us, the unmotivated us. Everything will definitely sort itself out, you won't be in this limbo forever. Enjoy your 20's because before you know it, we'll all be in our 30's and well and truly in the real world (and hopefully, by then, I've learnt what a mortgage is).

** 2021/25-year old Rebecca: so firstly, I know a littleee more about mortgages, but they still scare me and it's still very much a future thing, so I'm not spending much time thinking about it. Also, the pressures and expectations of graduating did hit me in the face... and I've often found myself drowning in thoughts of where I expected myself to be at 25 or batting away other people's expectations of me as a graduate. And I'm not going to lie, it's a struggle. And in all honestly, I have no idea what I am doing, where I am going, who I will be in a year, five years, ten years time, because who does?! But I do know that I am trying my hardest to live my life for me, to make decisions that please me, to just do me. 

Surviving your first few weeks of a new job

Helloooo, after my announcement I'd be picking this up and committing to regular posts, I seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth. It's been a busy (if I could double underline that, I would) few months. It started with me leaving my job (I worked at a university) in June to return to the job I had had before I started at the university... alongside this, I picked up regular hours at a coffee shop and picked up a temp three-week contract for a summer school role. Anyway, a few weeks into my 'new/old' job, I saw a vacancy for an assistant educational psychologist (AsEP) role with a local educational psychology service. I had spent a year applying for AsEP roles and had been continually rejected, so when I decided to apply for this one, I expected no different. Long story short, I was offered an interview which then turned into an offer of employment - so after only being back into my new/old job for just over a month, I was handing my notice in. So, as you can expect, my head has been a little MUSHY. 

I am a few weeks into my new role, and naturally, the ground is still feeling unsettled beneath me. With any new job, I think you can expect to feel all in a tizz for a good few months. I'm going to get a bit psychological here now. When I researched transitions as part of my postgrad research, I delved into the work of a guy called Bridges*, who claimed that a transition is quite a slow process with multiple stages. And people can get 'stuck' in these stages, making the transition period longer. The first stage: Ending, Losing, and Letting Go. Keeping in mind a new job, that ending involves losing a familiar role, routine, and colleagues. It means letting go of a current way of doing or being. And whilst you may not have even liked the job you're leaving, there will still be this element of you losing various parts of your identity that's been shaped by the role. You might start to feel uncertain, scared, disorientated etc.,. 

In this pre-new job stage, it's natural to feel apprehensive about your move. It's in this time - where you're at your ending and about to take on this new chapter - that I look to take stock of what is going to get me through these next few weeks/months. For me, it meant taking a piece of paper and writing down everything I know works to keep me feeling happy and healthy. Transitions throw everything up in the air and everything can feel out of control. If you can identify what you can do to take back a bit of control, and promote your happiness/wellbeing, brilliant. Some examples of what's on my list: getting a substantial amount of sleep every night, having at least one nice after-work plan in my diary, eating a healthy and filling breakfast, and drinking enough water. Of course, it's not always going to go to plan, but having that list available, when you're feeling like you don't know whether you're coming or going, you can see what might help to ground you a little and give you a nice boost.

The next stage is The Neutral Zone, where I'd currently place myself. In here is a whole lot of uncertainty, confusion, and impatience. It's where you're on the bridge across the water. The side you're walking towards (the new job) is a bit foggy, making you apprehensive to cross because you're worried about what might be out there... but the side you left (old job) is blue skies, not a cloud of uncertainty/confusion in the sky. Most of us leave jobs for a reason, but in my experience, that doesn't stop the briefest of 'what have I done?' thoughts, when you're walking into this foggy uncertainty before you. But what's good to remember is, yes, it might be foggy and uncertain (stick with the metaphor for just a littleeee longer) but as you get in there, you realise you have the torch (skills, knowledge, and experience) to see what you're doing and where you're going. And the longer you walk through, the easier the fog clears. You wouldn't have been offered the position if you weren't thought of as capable! And I know imposter syndrome is very real, believe me, but this is such an exciting time to learn new things and to challenge yourself. You might feel in a rush to get out of this stage, and you will want to rush to 6 months' time when you know everything like the back of your hand. But sit with it. Work through it, don't rush yourself. 

The final stage: The New Beginning. I mean, it does what it says on the tin, really. This is when you're waking up, months into the role, and you realise you've bloody done it! You're feeling settled, you've got your new routine... You're not having to ask a hundred questions a day (you now ask 99), you know how to mute/unmute and share your screen, you know which cup to avoid in the kitchen... and you're owning it! 

A new job, no matter how excited you are will bring with it some scaries and some anxieties. And that is perfectly natural. It doesn't matter whether you feel settled in a week, month, year. Just take your time. No question is stupid, no one is any better than you (despite what your brain might tell you), and you're more than capable/qualified (or they wouldn't have hired you!) even on the days you feel you're not. And hey, if there are areas you're not feeling skilled in or certain of, ask for some training! 

Each transition, be it from university to the 'real world' or from one job to another, is best managed with: lots of patience for yourself, lots of caffeine, your best coping strategies, lots of kindness for yourself, someone to talk to, a healthy amount of (healthy) distractions, I'm talking Netflix binges, plans with friends, walks etc.,. And lots of trust in yourself! 

*More on Bridges: http://changemanagementinsight.com/bridges-transition-model/