The other day, I watched Connor Franta's (quite possibly my favourite Youtuber) newest video titled, "it's not you, it's your 20's" and it got me thinking about an old blog post I wrote for my long-gone personal blog in 2018: Your 20's don't have to be your "20's". I wrote it at 22. I'm now halfway through my 20's but I still firmly stand behind my message... so I wanted to re-share here what I wrote back then (see the *'s for new additions from 25 year old me). Enjoy!
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There are so many articles out there titled things similar to:
"Don't mess your 20's up: tips to get the most out of your 20's"
"Here are 20 things to do in your 20's"
"Life lessons every twenty-something should learn"
There is so much emphasis on your 20's being the best years of your life; the years you shape yourself into who you want to be, have the best 'carefree experiences. You're pretty much sold the belief that your 20's are gonna be these exciting years of being an adult - but not really - the years where you're gonna fall in love, you're gonna find out what your passion is in life. We grow up, ultimately moulding these beliefs for our lives, taking in the things we read, the things we watch, the people we watch and the people we listen to and we cast our vision into the future with a step-by-step blueprint of what we can expect to happen next. But what if you don't want to live your 20's the way you're expected to? Or what if they were just sugar-coating all along?
I'm not saying expectations are a bad thing, so long as you don't cling to them like they're absolute truths of what's gonna happen in your life, you're fine. Coming from university, I knew what was already expected of me. Graduate, get a 'proper job', save up for a mortgage, buy a house, finally become an 'adult'. And yeah, I've only just recently graduated (but managed to hide away from the real world by doing my masters, so I have another year in the comfort of academia, phew) but I am nowhere even close to achieving any of those things, and I'm not gonna lie, I wouldn't even know where to start with getting a mortgage, I'm not even 100% sure what it is! But the thing is, we all go through life at different paces, we all have different goals in mind. What I enjoy doing as a twenty-two-year-old might be someone else's idea of hell, and that's okay, I've totally grown into the idea of me being a twenty-two-year-old Grandma. Because there's no pressure!! Those articles and what everyone else is doing shouldn't make you question the path you're on. You shouldn't ever feel disappointed with the way your life is panning out if you had your hopes set on someone else's plan for their twenties or a 30-something's hindsight view. It's so easy to get caught up on what you're 'supposed' to do, you can leave barely any time to do what you want to do, or you enjoy doing.
These are the years where you're going to find yourself, that bit is true. And these are the years where you're gonna struggle, you're gonna get setbacks and you're gonna fail and you're gonna think wow what the eff am I supposed to do next? But, you've gotta figure it all out on your own, that's the beauty of it. You will feel as though you're in competition with every other twenty-something person on the planet, because I know I definitely sometimes do. But I guess in the end, the only person we're competing against is ourselves, the 'old' us, the unmotivated us. Everything will definitely sort itself out, you won't be in this limbo forever. Enjoy your 20's because before you know it, we'll all be in our 30's and well and truly in the real world (and hopefully, by then, I've learnt what a mortgage is).
** 2021/25-year old Rebecca: so firstly, I know a littleee more about mortgages, but they still scare me and it's still very much a future thing, so I'm not spending much time thinking about it. Also, the pressures and expectations of graduating did hit me in the face... and I've often found myself drowning in thoughts of where I expected myself to be at 25 or batting away other people's expectations of me as a graduate. And I'm not going to lie, it's a struggle. And in all honestly, I have no idea what I am doing, where I am going, who I will be in a year, five years, ten years time, because who does?! But I do know that I am trying my hardest to live my life for me, to make decisions that please me, to just do me.
Helloooo, after my announcement I'd be picking this up and committing to regular posts, I seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth. It's been a busy (if I could double underline that, I would) few months. It started with me leaving my job (I worked at a university) in June to return to the job I had had before I started at the university... alongside this, I picked up regular hours at a coffee shop and picked up a temp three-week contract for a summer school role. Anyway, a few weeks into my 'new/old' job, I saw a vacancy for an assistant educational psychologist (AsEP) role with a local educational psychology service. I had spent a year applying for AsEP roles and had been continually rejected, so when I decided to apply for this one, I expected no different. Long story short, I was offered an interview which then turned into an offer of employment - so after only being back into my new/old job for just over a month, I was handing my notice in. So, as you can expect, my head has been a little MUSHY.
I am a few weeks into my new role, and naturally, the ground is still feeling unsettled beneath me. With any new job, I think you can expect to feel all in a tizz for a good few months. I'm going to get a bit psychological here now. When I researched transitions as part of my postgrad research, I delved into the work of a guy called Bridges*, who claimed that a transition is quite a slow process with multiple stages. And people can get 'stuck' in these stages, making the transition period longer. The first stage: Ending, Losing, and Letting Go. Keeping in mind a new job, that ending involves losing a familiar role, routine, and colleagues. It means letting go of a current way of doing or being. And whilst you may not have even liked the job you're leaving, there will still be this element of you losing various parts of your identity that's been shaped by the role. You might start to feel uncertain, scared, disorientated etc.,.
In this pre-new job stage, it's natural to feel apprehensive about your move. It's in this time - where you're at your ending and about to take on this new chapter - that I look to take stock of what is going to get me through these next few weeks/months. For me, it meant taking a piece of paper and writing down everything I know works to keep me feeling happy and healthy. Transitions throw everything up in the air and everything can feel out of control. If you can identify what you can do to take back a bit of control, and promote your happiness/wellbeing, brilliant. Some examples of what's on my list: getting a substantial amount of sleep every night, having at least one nice after-work plan in my diary, eating a healthy and filling breakfast, and drinking enough water. Of course, it's not always going to go to plan, but having that list available, when you're feeling like you don't know whether you're coming or going, you can see what might help to ground you a little and give you a nice boost.
The next stage is The Neutral Zone, where I'd currently place myself. In here is a whole lot of uncertainty, confusion, and impatience. It's where you're on the bridge across the water. The side you're walking towards (the new job) is a bit foggy, making you apprehensive to cross because you're worried about what might be out there... but the side you left (old job) is blue skies, not a cloud of uncertainty/confusion in the sky. Most of us leave jobs for a reason, but in my experience, that doesn't stop the briefest of 'what have I done?' thoughts, when you're walking into this foggy uncertainty before you. But what's good to remember is, yes, it might be foggy and uncertain (stick with the metaphor for just a littleeee longer) but as you get in there, you realise you have the torch (skills, knowledge, and experience) to see what you're doing and where you're going. And the longer you walk through, the easier the fog clears. You wouldn't have been offered the position if you weren't thought of as capable! And I know imposter syndrome is very real, believe me, but this is such an exciting time to learn new things and to challenge yourself. You might feel in a rush to get out of this stage, and you will want to rush to 6 months' time when you know everything like the back of your hand. But sit with it. Work through it, don't rush yourself.
The final stage: The New Beginning. I mean, it does what it says on the tin, really. This is when you're waking up, months into the role, and you realise you've bloody done it! You're feeling settled, you've got your new routine... You're not having to ask a hundred questions a day (you now ask 99), you know how to mute/unmute and share your screen, you know which cup to avoid in the kitchen... and you're owning it!
A new job, no matter how excited you are will bring with it some scaries and some anxieties. And that is perfectly natural. It doesn't matter whether you feel settled in a week, month, year. Just take your time. No question is stupid, no one is any better than you (despite what your brain might tell you), and you're more than capable/qualified (or they wouldn't have hired you!) even on the days you feel you're not. And hey, if there are areas you're not feeling skilled in or certain of, ask for some training!
Each transition, be it from university to the 'real world' or from one job to another, is best managed with: lots of patience for yourself, lots of caffeine, your best coping strategies, lots of kindness for yourself, someone to talk to, a healthy amount of (healthy) distractions, I'm talking Netflix binges, plans with friends, walks etc.,. And lots of trust in yourself!
*More on Bridges: http://changemanagementinsight.com/bridges-transition-model/
I started a new role in February of 2020, completely oblivious as to what was about to come… I got busy setting up my desk - succulents and all - met my new colleagues, started familiarising myself with the role, and four weeks later, I’m unfolding my little table to sit in the middle of my living room. I don’t think any of us expected that fifteen months later, we would still be in the middle of what we were told would be gone in three weeks! I remember my first day of working from home, creating a ‘WFH’ playlist on Spotify, including the obvious song choice, ‘Work from Home’ by Fifth Harmony, thinking wooo couple of weeks of this won’t be so bad. I looooved working from home for so many reasons; I no longer had to make an hour plus commute to and from work, I didn’t have to sit on a crowded bus, getting stuck in rush hour traffic, I could wake up, roll out of bed, make a cup of coffee, contemplate changing out of my pyjamas, and sign-in. I got into a nice comfy routine, and that was my norm from March - November, when we briefly returned to the office, before a second national lockdown was announced in November. And then again in January of 2021, I returned to the office for a day (!!) before being sent back home for the third national lockdown.
At the start of this month, I changed jobs. And a change of jobs meant a change of environment; I went straight from the comfort of my own home, to working 5 days a week in a workplace. Now, I’m sure I’m not alone when I say that my coping mechanisms for the last 15 months have been 1) avoidance and 2) distraction. I have avoided (where I can) reading the news, or watching the news. I've tried dodging conversations, I’ve distracted myself with unhealthy amounts of TikTok scrolling and Netflix binging… and so when it came to me having to make this transition to a new way of working (which had become unfamiliar to me), avoidance and distraction seemed appealing. Avoiding the workplace was not something I could do, so distraction it was! Now I need to point out, I also have a Saturday job (which is in a coffee shop) so I fully threw myself into it, all or nothing… 6-day week, no space in between leaving my old job and starting my new job… Since being in my new role, I have had some kind of plan scheduled into my diary after work.. or I’ve come home and gotten busy, through cooking or reading or exercising. And I’ve given myself NO time to think. And that is NOT good.
Because I’ll be honest, I’ve been scared to give myself time to think. As I’m sure we’ve all felt - if we start to really process what we’ve been through, goodness me, we’d need a collective worldwide therapy session… I would be a mess, and I just don’t have that time (more like, I know I should make that time to process, but I like it being in a little box for now). Correct as I write this, I’m currently back working from home for a period of time - having to isolate due to close contact, and only one day into it, and I’m panicking because I’ve had time to think.
I hadn’t realised the extent to which working from home (though I wasn’t alone, I had my mum) had isolated me. My first day in the workplace, I felt completely and totally overwhelmed with the prospect of having to speak to people - could I even form a sentence anymore? I hadn’t met someone new in so long, and now I was meeting a whole new team. I had gotten so used to making my cup of coffee in the morning, getting my desk set up and putting in my earphones, speaking to mum (who has worked like an absolute trooper and put in so many hours in her role for the NHS) only when we went out for our daily lunchtime walks. So for the first few days of being in work, I sat at my desk, headphones in, drinking my coffee, getting on with my work, and finding it difficult to get involved with the conversations that were happening around me. And I knew I was isolating myself, and it wasn’t helping me bond with my new team, but I just couldn’t fathom how to involve myself in ‘work bants’... how saddd is that, work bants is the best part of work! Anyway, after a few days of trying not to pressure myself, I started to ‘come out of my ‘shell’ a bit more, and got involved, and made an effort, and I didn’t expect it to be as hard as it was, but it’s just something I accepted - even though at one time, socialising was no issue for me. So my first tip to readjusting to life in the office, even if you know who you’re working with and you’re not meeting your colleagues for the first time, don’t berate yourself if you’re struggling to get back into the swing of conversation again, and similarly, don’t berate yourself if all you can manage is small talk about Covid or the weather… if all you can manage is a ‘hello’ then fair play!
Another difficulty - commuting! Having to wake up with enough time to eat, shower, dress (ugh), and drive to work… that has been HARD. And every night I’ve gone to bed with the intention of getting up as soon as my alarm goes off and every morning I’ve woken up and snoozed my alarm. Thankfully, despite snoozing, I’ve managed to get to work on time… but I’ve really felt the loss of my usual slow morning. And I’m now trying to establish a new morning routine, because that was my favourite part of working from home, having the time in the morning to just lie in bed and read my book before logging in. So this is a tip in working progress - start to experiment with routines. For me, that means making my lunches the night before - or cooking a meal which will give me some leftovers. It means waking up with enough time to make a coffee and sit in my bed with my book, with the intention to ease myself into waking up earlier at *some point* to allow for some morning exercise (who am I kidding with this?) or a bit of yoga. Don’t expect your routine to fall into place straight away, all that you need to make sure you do is wake up with enough time to dress (out of your pyjamas) and set off with enough time to get to work (ON TIME).
One thing I’ve struggled with, is getting home and only having five hours or so to myself… but what I’ve come to realise/remind myself is, it’s not so much about how much time I have to myself, it’s more what I choose to do with the time I have. Because I am now working 6-day weeks (for as long as I feel I can sustain it), my time in the evenings, and my Sunday is time for me to do what makes me happy. Plan yourself nice little things to do when you get back home - your home is no longer your workplace, and that has some benefits. No more hearing the phantom ‘ping’ of teams when you’re trying to relax on a Friday eve.
But my biggest tip of all is to be kind to yourself, and transition back with patience - for yourself, for your team… just take each day as it comes, and make yourself a 'Working from Office' playlist to keep you motivated!
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Suggested episodes: '#97 Selfishness, Communication & Taxes with Michelle Elman', 'Living Better with Alistair Campbell', and '#58 When Will We Be 'Successful'? with Louise Troen'.
How to Fail with Elizabeth Day |
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Suggested episodes: Any! Everyone talks so openly and shares great advice.
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Owning It: The Anxiety Podcast |
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Suggested episodes: 'Owning It: Dissolving your career anxiety', 'Owning It: The power of decision making for anxiety', and 'Owning It: How to approach financial anxiety'.
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My Dad Wrote a Porno |
I really loved conducting that research. I loved speaking to graduates about their experiences of leaving education behind and taking a jump into a world outside of the bubble we had come to know and take comfort from. More than anything, I loved how it made me feel less alone. Though I worked hard to not inject my own personal experiences into my research (cos BPS guidelines), I couldn’t help but feel some reassurance when a participant would disclose feeling a way I had felt, or had the same worries, or faced the same challenges as I had. I wanted to take my research further, and I wanted other graduates to feel that same sense of, ‘okay, I’m not alone in this…’ and so in 2019, once I had finalised my thesis, One Oh One was born.
When I first graduated in 2017, the world was a totally different place… And again, when I started One Oh One in 2019, we look back to that time now, in the middle of the ongoing pandemic, and see a world that is so unrecognisable to the one we live in currently. And all of this change has made me hesitant to put the spotlight on this project I set up and I took a little back step. Because there has been so much change since I first graduated, and even more so since 2019. I worried that I would not be able to offer the support that some recent graduates may need, because I couldn’t begin to understand the difficulties that 2020/21 graduates are facing as a result of the pandemic, I couldn’t imagine how challenging it must be to graduate in these times, with so much more uncertainty looming than I ever had to face. Coupled with the fact I’ve just recently turned 25, I worried that I was no longer #relatable, but the fact is, I am still struggling, even so many years on from graduating, to find my place in the world (inclusive of the working world). And I know so many others are, too.
And I miss writing, I miss connecting, I miss sharing your stories. So I will be picking up the metaphorical pen, and going ahead with a new One Oh One. This space will still be for graduates, and I will still continue to share my experiences and research, your stories, your work… But as a running theme, I want to move to a focus on your 20s in general. Regardless of whether you hold letters behind your name, your 20s are T O U G H. One Oh One will become a space to acknowledge this. So, watch this space.
Eleanor graduated last year from Sheffield Hallam University with a degree in English Language. As we can expect, graduating in the middle of a global pandemic can make the already daunting move out of education seem even more overwhelming. In this guest post, Eleanor talks about her experience dealing with those 'post-graduation blues' that so many of us face and talks us through what she has learnt so far, in the hopes that it can make graduates feeling the same way, less alone.
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Finishing university can be completely overwhelming, let alone during a global pandemic. My second semester of third year was probably the most stressful time of my life. I had constant deadlines to meet, an 8,000-word dissertation to write whilst trying to cope with the pressure of achieving my best mark. How would I be defined if I didn’t get the grade I wanted? These thoughts never left my mind.
In March 2020, COVID-19 began to impact many people’s lives and it suddenly hit me that I had to return home for lockdown and leave university, three months earlier than I had planned. I didn’t get the chance to say bye to all my friends or thank my lecturers for all their help with my work over the past three years. It was extremely hard finishing my dissertation and all my other assignments at home, there were so many distractions, and I missed being at the library where I felt like I could be the most productive.
The day finally came when I submitted my last assignment. Although I was completely over the moon that I had finished all my work, it still felt bittersweet. I wasn’t 100% happy because I had no idea what my next steps were, I didn’t know what career I wanted to go in and I genuinely didn’t know what my purpose was after the best years of my life were over so quickly. Whilst feeling like this, all I wanted to do was go back to Sheffield and celebrate finishing university by going on a night out with all my friends. Obviously, this couldn’t happen, and it was the worst feeling ever because I felt like my achievements and success didn’t mean anything.
I really struggled with moving back home. The independence I gained when living on my own at university and becoming an adult felt like it completely disappeared, and it was almost as if my life had gone completely backwards. I was constantly comparing myself to other people on social media who had secured a graduate job and I felt like a failure because I still didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I had to deal with the constant overpowering questions ‘So, what do you want to do now?’ or ‘When are you going to get a proper job?’. My mental health really took a turn for the worst because I couldn’t stop thinking about the future and all the uncertainty that came with it.
It took me several months when I finally realised, why am I actually stressing out so much? Just because the job I have now isn’t what I want to be doing forever and I haven’t exactly figured out what my next steps are, this IS okay. I’m only 22 years old and I definitely don’t need to have my whole life planned out. Not to forget the fact that we’re currently living in unprecedented times and finding a job is more difficult than ever, which is why putting unnecessary amounts of pressure on myself isn’t healthy.
I wanted to write this blog to make sure that other graduates who may also be feeling like this know that they’re not alone. There is so much support at university when you’re a student, but as soon as you leave you can feel completely isolated and not part of a community anymore. Even though COVID-19 has made this difficult, it’s important to stay in touch with your friends from university who may be struggling with this transition too, and reach out for support if you need it. I’ve tried to overcome my post-university blues by keeping busy, taking regular breaks from social media so I’m not constantly looking at what other people are doing, and making sure that I’m patient. If like me, you’re not set on what you want to do, try and see this as something positive! You have time to travel, volunteer, or even work abroad for some time if you want to experience a different culture and gain some experience. Remember that you’re still young and it’s better to give yourself time to think about what you want to do, rather than committing to a job that you might hate and end up regretting rushing into it.
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